I'm Still Alive

I'm still here.

And while I usually love writing and blogging, I've been having a hard time writing down anything lately.

I'm having hard time with a lot of things. I've found myself not seeing the point of being social or of doing much more than watching TV and sleeping.

I don't want to meet people. I don't want to make anymore friendships here. I'm pushing away the friends I already do have. I've begun to resent my school and the people at BYU. The reasons don't matter, but church, school, work - they've all become exhausting.

This low point has stretched on for a while, and last week it was confirmed that my dad will be headed to Afghanistan in a few months. It was just the shot in the arm my hot mess of a year needed.

I'm just so angry right now. The anger isn't really directed at one thing, it's just a constant burning in the pit of my stomach.

Tonight our Family Home Evening group came to our house for the activity. This still wasn't going to make me attend. This has nothing to do with my mood lately. FHE was a huge part of my life freshman year, but since then I've decided my Monday nights are better served doing other things. Like watching Downton Abbey with Elizabeth and Nathan Baier.

But I digress.

The point is, I had absolutely no intention of going, especially when my roommate told me we were building snowmen. But I like my roommates and I wasn't going to abandon them to host by themselves, especially when I was just going to be chilling in my room.

In a not very surprising twist, the snowmen building quickly turned into a snowball fight. Alex took these pictures:

I'm on the left. The girl in the right is Mallory, one of my other roommates.

The night wasn't bad. I met a few people, though it was made painfully clear that no one in my group knew who I was despite the fact that we're a week from Thanksgiving.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm going to try and make the best of this last year at school. I don't magically expect this one unexpectedly painless evening of socializing to take away any of the frustrations in my life right now.

But I'm going to try.